Alex Ferguson

Picture the scene. It's teatime at the Ferguson household and Sir Alex has just pulled up in the drive after returning from Carrington.

Cathy shouts from the kitchen: "Had a good day, luv?"

Sir Alex growls: "Urrr!"

"Wit wud ye like fur tea? Mince 'n' tatties or neeps? Oh, and how's Wayne? I hope ye were nice tae him today, ye old grump."

Sir Alex: "WHAT!!! I told ye, nae questions about Rooney. Reet, that's it, you're banned frame asking me any more questions. Ye cannae ask me what I'd like fur tea or afterwards ye cannae ask me if I enjoyed it. If you want to hear me reaction, you'll ha tae to watch it later on MUTV."

Cathy: "But Alex, I wuz just asking..."

Sir Alex: "No, that's it. I'm nae answering any questions about Rooney."

The pair proceed to eat their mince 'n' tatties in silence because Sir Alex has unplugged the TV and radio because of their blatant anti-Manchester United propaganda.

Cathy then clears the plates from the table and turns to Sir Alex and asks: "Would ye like a cuppa tea?"

Sir Alex, his face almost purple with anger: "WHAT!! Didn't ye hear me? You're banned frame asking questions."

Sir Alex's mobile rings to the tune of Scotland the Brave and shows Darren's number.

Sir Alex: "Hello son. Are ye all reet?"

Darren: "Aye dad, no bad. I was just wondering if you had any more players you could loan us?"

Sir Alex: "Now Darren, I've told ye before, ye cannae have Rio or Vidic or Berbatov or Van der Sar or Scholesy or Giggsy or Fletcher. I need them."

Darren: "What about Wayne? You don't seem to need him at the minute."

Sir Alex, his face an even deeper shade of purple: "WHAT!!! I said nae questions about Rooney! Does naebody in this hoose listen tae me? Reet, that's it. You're banned frame asking me questions too!"

Darren: "But, but dad...."

Cathy tries to calm Sir Alex down and goes to the DVD cabinet.

"What about a film?" she says. "Ye luv yer old films. Let me see....here's one wi Rooney in it."

Sir Alex: "WHAT!!! Not that plug-eared Shrek lookalike! How dare he demand to leave."

Cathy: "No, Mickey Rooney."

Sir Alex: "Mickey Rooney! He's banned too! I'm no having any Rooneys in this hoose. That's it. I'm going tae bed."